her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
