Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Is it penis luge time yet?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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