can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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