dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
