Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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