I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
