I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Michael Bay diarrhea
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
