I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
