after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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