im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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