i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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