His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
