She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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