i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
