Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
