I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
