I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
