I queefed so loud it echoed.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
