i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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