Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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