overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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