If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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