so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
