OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
