Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
