She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
