i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
