My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
