Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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