The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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