I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
