Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
