I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
