Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
