My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
