Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
last night I used snow as a chaser
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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