I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
