Your face is a jimmy john
Only a mothe r could love this liver
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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