Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
