you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
