her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
