I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
