I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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