I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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