I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
