she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
