If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
