imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
