Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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