Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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