Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
