Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
