Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I cut my penus on the lid.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
