My liver just broke up with me...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
