I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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